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Everyone loves a good George Lucas bashing right? I'm really no exception to that rule. I rant about it enough in real life, so it only seemed fitting to write up an article about it.
Given that many of us watch the Original Trilogy through coke-bottle-thick rose colored glasses, I still think the OT is pretty groundbreaking. At the end of the day, I have to stand up and attest to the life-changing cinema experience that those three movies represent... all the while acknowledging that they are, still, imperfect.
The New Trilogy takes the old trilogy's imperfections, stuffs them in a moldy potato sack, drop kicks the sack into a barrel of cacti, then sets it ablaze using a combination of napalm and scalding apple pie filling. Oh yeah... then it takes it all out again and smears itself with the molten mess, and proclaims itself to be the most beautiful butterfly. Where to even start with how it went wrong? Others could give you a novel. I've got my own list.
Problem 1: George wrote it. Not only do you get a movie that dumbs itself down to kids, I think it actually made kids who watched it dumber. Yeah, I'm talking to you Episode One. Rumor has it that his kid was responsible for some of the character names. If true, George only made the mistake of accepting said terrible names. And you know what? I kind of hope the rumor's true. Because for a grown man to have thought up Count Dooku, Mace Windu, Qui Gon Jinn (which, honestly, sounds like a kind of fried dumpling) and Jar Jar Binks... well, that's just embarrassing.
Problem 2: Jake Lloyd as Young Anakin. I swear, the only time I saw him in anything good was an Oreo commercial way back when. I know he's supposed to turn evil, but I wanted to punch him in the face (or... as a last resort, my own face) halfway through Episode One. Watching him try and act was more evil than I could take. Talk about the dark side.
Problem 3: Jar Jar Binks. Yikes. Need I say more?
Problem 4: R2D2 far more technologically advanced in the NT versus the OT. R2 always was a bit of dues ex machine. You'd be able to get out of any jam too if you had a galactic swiss army knife following you around. But the NT took it way too far.
Problem 5: Wasted Talent. You've got Liam Neeson, Natalie Portman, Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee and Sam "The Man" Jackson for crying out loud! How hard do you have to try before you're able to ruin the abilities of every single one of these A-List stars?
Problem 6: Too much CG. Would it kill you, George, to have busted out a plastic suit from the old days? The last thing I want to see is a real actor's head superimposed on a CG trooper. I can't even call it laziness, because head replacement/tracking is infinitely more difficult than getting a dude into a costume. No, the operative phrase here is more along the lines of "stunned exasperation."
Problem 7: Midichlorians? Oh come on. This is just sad. J.J. Abrams knows a thing or two about the power of mystery, which is to say that sometimes, not knowing (or never knowing) is a far more powerful thing than the explanation. The Force was crazy cool when we had no idea what it was. Microscopic thingamajigs in the bloodstream (that, sadly, also sound like some kind of pool cleaning detergent)? Great. The Force has been demoted to a hereditary medical condition.
Problem 8: Messing with success. At the very least, it would have been nice if the badness of the NT was put under quarantine, with the OT being allowed visits on the weekends, but only through double glass shields. But alas, no. George had to spread Problem 6 into the OT, resulting in jarring CG and... get this... a full character replacement from David Prowse to Hayden Christiansen at the end of The Return of the Jedi. What? How does that make any sense? The spirits are locked in visually at the ages they were at death right? Some say that Anakin's spirit is young because that's the last time he was good. But wasn't he good just before he died?
I'm not a hardcore Star Wars fan (I tend to lean towards science fiction, as opposed to science fantasy), but I'm really scratching my head at some of this. Is there something I missed? Or does it really not make any sense?
I don't like being overly negative, so I'll wrap this article up with a positive spin. Here are my grand ideas on how George could have made the most stunningly successful prequel trilogy the world has ever seen.
Major Fix 1: Take a page from Episodes 5 and 6, George. Don't direct it, and don't write it (at least not by yourself). Tell people with talent what your outline is, and leave the details in other peoples' capable hands. Stick to producing. It suits you better. Also, find a better casting director who won't hire snotty kids and give every single bad guy an embarrassingly stereotypical minority accent. Heck, that goes even for good guys with terrible accents (Jar Jar).
Major Fix 2: This is the big one. Don't use CG, and don't use visual effects. Yeah, that's right. Defy convention and make the prequels using the same optical effects that you used to create the OT. Crazy? Maybe. Boldly genius? Oh, absolutely. If fanboys stepped into the theater and saw three movies that looked even grungier and more gorilla-film-makery than the OT, they would have flipped their lids, guaranteed. It may have been tougher, and it may have been restrictive, but those restrictions make leaner, better movies. Unlimited excess and zero accountability make for seriously bloated fare. And nobody likes bloated movies... especially if they were a bit soulless to begin with.
And news flash. Han shot first.
Goodness, already on Part V, and still so many mutants to cast! If you're just joining in, here are the links to Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV. For this round, we're going to deal with some of the mutants from Wolverine's world.
X-23 - Eliza Dushku
If you don't know the history, X-23 is an experimental clone that was created from Wolverine's genetic material. Because the Y chromosomes of the sample was damaged, they were forced to duplicate the X, thereby creating a female child clone of Wolverine (on their 23rd attempt). As for trivia, it's interesting to note that the character of X-23 bears the distinction of being one of the only to start on television (in the animated series X-Men: Evolution) and later become a fully realized character in comic form.
In terms of casting, this one was a puzzle. The girl needed to look like an adolescent female version of Hugh Jackman (the current pick for Wolverine), while still looking the part of X-23 and having the ability to play the role. Let's face it, I don't know any girls that look like Hugh. It's weird even trying to picture that. But after considering the circumstances of the cloning project (what, with the duplication of the X chromosomes and all), I think that it's plausible that X-23 could be interpreted as the hyper-feminized version of Wolverine, 100% female with only the most basic of overlapping traits (such as hair color, eye color, etc). With that in mind, I found myself more free to find the most appropriate actress, without killing myself over finding the best visual match.
I found my pick for X-23 after circling back to some previously diqualified candidates. I was looking for someone along the lines of Mila Kunis (if you could make her somehow even the least bit threatening), and was almost dissapointed that I had already used up Alexa Davalos as Kitty Pryde (seeing as her ferocity in The Chronicles of Riddick would have been completely appropriate here). But in the end, it's none other than Eliza Dushku that I feel is most suited for the role.
The best thing Eliza's got going for her (aside from actually looking a lot like X-23) is that she's already played this role in Buffy as the on-again-off-again psycho killer, Faith. As a rogue Slayer, Faith had both the superhuman power, and the serious inner turmoil that drove her to the brink more than a few times. X-23 would require the same, and much more. Regardless of whether or not you're a fan of Eliza, you've got to admit, she's a lock.
Omega Red - Vladimir Kulich
Ever heard the name Vladimir Kulich? Yeah, me neither. Although you might have seen him around a few times without even knowing it. Finding this guy was the result of way too much time meandering through IMDB profiles. But back to the point, Vladimir was born in Czechoslovakia (which might help with the accent work for Omega Red), and has acted in a number of films. Most of them really play up the guy's frame... all 6 feet 5 inches of it. Seriously, the dude's a giant. And that's not bad, because Omega Red is supposed to stand at 6 feet 11 inches (What do they put in the water over there in Russia? Whatever it is, it's working. Colossus and Omega Red? That's just greedy)!
If you want this famous nemesis of Wolverine's to be truly frightening, you're going to want a guy that can put a little fear into you, and after imagining Vladimir in full Omega Red armor, I'm thinking I would pay the price of admission just to see the ensuing carnage.
Sabretooth - Josh Holloway
And lastly, the most famous of all of Wolverine's foes: Sabretooth. Honestly, I think that if you asked a hundred fans who they thought should play Sabretooth, you could get nearly the same amount of different answers. So I had to put some serious filters into place to whittle down the enormous pool of dark action hero types into something more manageable.
First of all, I had to take into account that Sabretooth is not just a one-clash-foe for Wolverine. Even a character like Omega Red doesn't require a great deal of depth to pull off. But Sabretooth has history with Wolverine. Go back far enough, and you find that they knew each other long before they became lifelong enemies.
If Sabertooth was brought to screen, I'd want him to be a fully fleshed out character, starting with the childhood abuse that contributed to his pychopathic sadism. The last thing I want is to cast a wrestler in the role. Granted, they seem to be going with more of a character actor in Liev Schreiber for Sabretooth's role in Wolverine: Origins, but in that case, I think they swung too far to the other end of the spectrum. I mean, seriously... who's afraid of Liev Schreiber? Exactly.
I chose Josh Holloway for a number of reasons. After watching every episode of Lost to date, I'm certain that Josh knows how to do inner conflict. Furthermore, I'm convinced that he can do rage, though they seem to be letting that out sparingly over the run of the show. And while most of the time Sawyer's just a cool, slick talking con-man... the moments when that shell cracks, you see the kind of acting that Sabretooth requires. The other main reason that I chose Josh, was because I can see him as Wolverine's foil (in a literary sense). Sabretooth is everything Wolverine doesn't want to be, yet somehow... is. So my choice reflects my desire to see someone who can hold his own against Hugh. And to me, imagining Hugh Jackman and Josh Holloway battling it out in both a physical and psychological sense just feels right.
That's it for now. Still to come in the future: The Lehnsherr Family Tree, the Brotherhood, and possibly some of the less prominent X-Men.
Awesome Parting Trivia: Every one of the people I've cast here in this article (aside from Hugh Jackman) has guest starred in at least one episode of Angel: Josh Holloway was in the Pilot episode as a vampire that Angel stakes, Eliza Dushku reprises her role from Buffy as Faith (now a somewhat-reformed convict), and Vladimir (under heavy makeup and prosthetics) inhabits the role of the Beast in Season 4! Talk about poaching the entire cast of a show!
I don't believe that I was born truly ambidextrous. There was never a time when my left hand was more dominant than my right. But still, I've been mildly surprised by how quickly I've been able to train my non-dominant hand when necessary. Even if I'm not naturally ambidextrous, I think both-handed activities like playing guitar, typing (at past 100 wpm), and Ultimate Frisbee (though the left-handed hammer took a lot of work) have to indicate at least some potential aptitude for using my left hand..
So in the end, it may be only learned ambidexterity, but even at that, I'm more than willing to put in a little effort to achieve that goal... which is really how this particular DIY project got started. (I suppose this post could also be categorized more specifically under "Body Hacks," but I'm sticking it under the DIY heading for now)
As of September 19th, I started practicing writing with my left hand. Whenever I found myself with a free moment, I wrote the sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" with my right hand as a point of comparison, then again with my left. The sentence is specific in that it contains every letter of the alphabet, thereby giving my left hand the full range of letters to practice on.
I set my rules to be open ended. I'm going to try and write the sentence at least once every day, but there is no upper limit to how many times I can practice it. From the rate of improvement I saw in just the first ten attempts, I'm hoping that my handwriting will indistinguishable between hands within a month or so. Stay tuned for an update in a week or so!
Random side note: Incidentally, one of the best parts of writing with both hands seems to be when I need to take notes on paper while working on a Wacom Tablet at work. Anyone who uses this setup (forgoing a mouse completely) will tell you that holding an ink pen and a Wacom pen in one hand and switching back and forth isn't the most fun thing to do (they seriously need to invent a Wacom pen that has an ink pen inside it and accessible via clicker). But I was having a blast taking notes with my left while using the Wacom pen in my right. Honestly, some of my co-workers thought I was insane. The ones who know me better, though, weren't really all that surprised.
Subject A: Chris Evans. Typically seen as your run of the mill beefcake/leading man. But wait, check him out in a few notable departures like Sunshine to see that the guy can actually act. Always a pleasant surprise.
Subject B: Tom Cruise. Does this man really need introduction? Personally, I like a lot of the guy's films. I can't say I can vouch for his sanity, but hey, I've gotta admit that the guy's entertaining.
So here's a question for you: What do you get when you average these two out? The answer? Eyal Podell!
Okay, I'm pretty sure I just lost 99% of my audience. The guy's not exactly dead center in the public eye, so it shouldn't surprise you if you have no idea who he is. But he puts in some fine work when you can spot him. So far, he's popped up in three shows that I watch: Angel, Lost, and House. But aside from his acting, look at that face. He's like a perfect blend of the other two. That's not Photoshop. That's the Law of Averages.
There's something about experiencing a work of art, loving it, and then having the entire experience taken up a notch by an exquisitely perfect ending credit song. None of that throwaway pop-song-of-the-year nonsense either. I'm talking about powerfully synergistic music that both compliments and enhances an already amazing experience with something completely appropriate.
5. Flying Dreams
This one comes straight out of my childhood. One of my favorite animated movies of all time, The Secret of N.I.M.H. also has one of the most beautiful songs to play during the credits: Flying Dreams by Paul Williams. The sad part is that the song, which would have been a shoe in for the Best Original Song Oscar that year, was not even in contention for the award because someone forgot to submit it, or some other nonsense like it. The movie came out in 1982, and it's a little tough re-locating news on it to verify, but I swear it happened!
4. Into the West
Some people knock the end of The Return of the King because of the multiple endings. I think those people are nuts. An epic trilogy with so many intertwined stories requires that level of closure to ween the audience off of such an experience. As a tool, Annie Lennox' song, Into the West, strives for the same effect. The song, overlaid on top of pencil sketchings of characters from all three films, really helps bring the viewer full circle. Lyrically, it mirrors the notion that the journey has an end, as it references the ships sailing off into the Elvish final havens.
3. Late Goodbye
If you're a fan of film noir and gaming, then you could do worse than play Max Payne and Max Payne II. Operatic gun battles aside, I've actually played through both a number of times, mainly to relive the story... which is incredibly dark and tragic. The second game ends with credits much like a film, and the song that played surprised me with how spot on it felt. As it turns out, Sam Lake (writer of Max Payne) wrote a poem about the game, which ended up becoming the core of the lyrics to the song Late Goodbye.
As a point of pure fan trivia awesomeness, thousands of gamers beat the game and loved the song enough to seek out information on the band that performed it, Poets of the Fall. As a result, the Finnish band became an overnight sensation, skyrocketing to fame primarily due to their involvement with Max Payne. Who says gamers can't make a difference?
2. May it Be
Are you surprised that two Lord of the Rings songs made it on this list? Well, you shouldn't be. The direction, production values, and overall attention to detail in all three films is near unrivaled. Not surprisingly, May it Be, written and performed by Enya, is a masterpiece. And talk about true integration. The final notes of music from the final scene of The Fellowship of the Ring blend seamlessly into her haunting vocals. The mood is pitch perfect, and the lyrics even contain native Elvish phrases. Talk about commitment to the source material. It really would have taken the number one spot if not for...
1. Still Alive
A year ago, I would never have expected a song from the end credits of a computer game to have made it to the top of this list. And if you have any doubts to its merit, then you really haven't played Portal. I've mentioned Jonathan Coulton (who wrote Still Alive) briefly in my Spotlight Article about him, but you really can't appreciate the song's genius outside of the context of the game... which is exactly why it's so special. The ending song is an extension of the game's storyline, sung by the main antagonist of the game: a childishly sadistic artificial intelligence lady-thing. Really. I can't think of a single better example of story and song integration than Still Alive. The song is self-referential, hilarious, and filled to the brim with in-jokes from the game. And really, isn't that was an end credit song is all about? To induce instant nostalgia for the story you just finished?
Welcome to the start of a new article series. Everyone loves lists right? Today, we're going to go with something lighthearted... and a tiny bit disturbing: Nicolas Cage's hair (or, his attempts to hide the lack of such).
I can respect a guy who doesn't hide his obviously balding dome. There are some seriously respected bald-ish actors out there that don't take flak from anyone. Can you imagine anyone dissing Kevin Spacey? Yeah, me neither. So why does a guy like Nicolas Cage persist with the ridiculous hair? He looked perfectly normal in The Rock back in 1996. Unfortunately, things have gone seriously downhill from there. Here are my top three picks for Cage's worst looks (I was going to go with top five, but then I decided that it would be needlessly sadistic on my part to subject you all to more than three... be thankful for small favors).
3. Bangkok Dangerous
Coming in at number three, we have Bangkok Dangerous. I don't care how much training he's supposed to have in the movie, that hair negates any and all assassin training in my book.
2. Next
At number two, we have Next. As the egregiousness of the hair grows, it appears that Nicolas Cage's appeal to women rises proportionally (more proof that Hollywood lies). More ridiculous than this movie's premise is the notion that his love interest is none other than Jessica Biel. Yikes.
1. National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Ringing in at number one is National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Avert thine eyes if thou knowest what is best for thee. In line with the bad hair = beautiful women formula, we see that Nic gallivants around with Diane Kruger by his side. Figures. Considering the mega budgets of some of these films, you'd think that one person, just one person involved in production would have had the common sense to tell their respective directors to ease off the hairpieces.
Back when I was a kid, I used to love adventure games (still do, actually). This isn't to say that I don't still love them now, but they really don't make them like they used to. King's Quest, Space Quest, and Zork were among the more universally known entries, but there were some gems that slipped under the radar. And by "slipped under," I mean stealth-cloaked itself and completely bypassed mainstream social consciousness. It's a shame too. The people who've played games like Sam & Max Hit the Road and The Neverhood will swear by how amazing (and riotously funny) the experience was. Sadly, there are far too few people who can say that they were able to partake during the golden age of adventure gaming.
Before you get too settled, let me clarify that this isn't an article about gaming, but more tangentially, one about video game music. After I bought The Neverhood, I immediately internet ordered the soundtrack. It's worth noting that my grasp of the internet was so tenuous at that point in time (around 1996) that I can't even recall exactly how I accomplished that task. Regardless, the music that soon arrived at my door was like nothing I had ever heard before (well, aside from the hearing it during gameplay). I had just been smashed in the head by the musical stylings of Terry Taylor.
There's good music. There's appropriate music. Then there's music that makes the experience. Can you imagine Star Wars: A New Hope without John Williams' epic score? Or (more depressingly), Episode One? Yeah, I just threw up a little in my mouth too. Terry Taylor's music is that level of integral. Words honestly fail to capture what he does for the game... which, by the way, is flat out hilarious amidst its spartan use of dialogue.
At this point, there's not much else I can say about either the Neverhood or Terry Taylor that would do either justice. Some things, you just have to experience for yourself. But if you ever do get the chance to play the game or listen to the music, I'd highly recommend making the investment of time to do so.
