The Spotlight: The Unfortunately Neverending Story

If you were born in the 80's, chances are good that you watched The Neverending Story. And you probably loved it. Now... this may be a case of telling someone telling you not to look down, only to have you look down as a direct result of them telling you... but I'm telling you now, if you have good memories of watching the film as a child, do yourself a favor and never watch it again as an adult.

I made that mistake myself during my time as an undergrad. Everyone knows that one of the greatest perks of dorm life is the easy access to countless movies in neighboring collections. I was making one of my frequent weekend rounds for something to watch when I stumbled upon this "gem" from the good old days. I think my exact response upon finding a copy was "Holy crap! I loved that movie! May I borrow this?"

92 minutes later, I wished I had a time machine... if only to have had the opportunity to go back in time to punch past-me in the face. Hindsight is cruel that way. After two more extremely painful viewings (years later, I might add... you have to give a guy time to recover), I have condensed the bad, so that you don't have to sit through it yourself. (Call it a community service)

Problem 1: Pacing. Or should I say... paaaaacccciiiiiing. Can you say slow? I bet you can't say it as slowly as this movie can. This isn't even Blade Runner slow. This is like 2001: A Space Odyssey slow... or maybe Star Trek: The Motion Picture slow. People talk slow, people move slow, nothing happens quickly. Yes, it was a less rushed era. But it doesn't hold up in today's attention deficit society. Am I still on Problem 1? I've already lost interest.

Problem 2: Acting. In that, it has none. Watching children act on screen is usually painful enough. But there are two of them in this film (three if you count the princess). Both horrifically bad. Noah Hathaway (playing Atreyu) is at least passably painful in his role, but Barret Oliver as Bastian... this guy gives Jake Lloyd a run for his money... and yes, that's a dis. To both of them.

The issue is that these kids have nothing to play against, and, as you'd expect, they overact their pants off. Atreyu loses his horse Artax in the Swamps of Sadness. An emotionally heavy scene, yes. But it happens about half a second after you're introduced to these characters. The raw emotion comes off as really awkward. Bastian is even worse off. 90% of his scenes are reaction shots to events that aren't happening anywhere near him... which is what happens when you steal a book, ditch class, and hide away in a school attic by yourself. His ridiculously overwrought exclamations to no one in particular are nothing short of face-palm inducing. And I have the red palm on my forehead to prove it.


Problem 3: Extremely jarring editing, super-cheese 80's music, and head-scratchingly bad effects. Let's get the editing out of the way first. The film cuts (often) in the middle of crescendos to a completely new scene. Let me repeat that. The music cuts in the middle with the shot! That's not bad editing, that's a mistake. Here's what it feels like to watch this stuff: Imagine you're in the shower, innocently shampooing your hair, whistling an old Beatles song... and a freaking catapult launches you stark naked out your bathroom window and inexplicably into a fiery volcano. Yeah. That's what these cuts are like. As for the synth-heavy music, I suppose you'll have to forgive that... the 80's definitely left its mark on this film. And that's not a compliment.

The effects are all over the board. Some of the practical effects work great, but the rear screen projection and optical effects are pretty sloppy. In some cases, painted backdrops abruptly end within frame, creating distinct lines between locations and props. Canvas set extensions have wrinkles and stretch marks in them for crying out loud. Shame on you Wolfgang Peterson. You've done so much better.

Problem 4: Creepy factor. And this film's got it in spades. What's with the naked statues? Isn't this a children's movie? If anything, it would have gone over better with female sphynx statues sans nipples. Ah the good old days of inconsistent censoring.


But the real gold mine is Falkor, the luck dragon. Or, as I'd call him, Pedophile-dog-creepy-dragon-thingy. Seriously. Falkor is like a dirty old man with a dog's head and pink sequined pimp feux furs. He saves Atreyu in an amazing bit of deus ex machina, after which we see Atreyu waking up from a coma snuggled up next to him (which begs the question of how long this coma cuddle went on for, and begs us not to ask the question of why there was cuddling in the first place). Falkor tells Atreyu that he (verbatim) "loves children" (really), and winks at him multiple times (really). He then asks Atreyu to scratch him behind the ears, like you would a dog, and the look of intense, tongue waggling satisfaction on his face... well, let's just say that I cringed so hard I thought my face would cave in. Falkor's Art Director was probably aiming for cute and endearing. I think he ended up with alarmingly sleazy.


Honestly, I'm sure it was made with good intentions. I'll give it the benefit of a doubt. I'm sure Falkor was written with nothing but innocence. But seriously... that freaking Dragon's a pervert. As my friend Dan (a full grown adult, I might add) said while watching a few of Falkor's scenes: "Whaaaah! I'm gonna have nightmares!" Me too Dan. Me too.

As for a general blanket statement on the whole film, I'll admit, this was probably groundbreaking stuff back in the day. And you can't fault it for trying. If anything, it's vivid. Like... if hallucinogenic mushrooms could take LSD, vivid. And as such, it stuck in the collective psyche's of a generation of impressionable children, myself included. But to watch it again as an adult, you'll find yourself smiling... but for all the wrong reasons. You have to laugh at it, because it's the only way to stop yourself from jamming something sharp in your eye. If you have good memories of watching it, do yourself a favor and let those memories rest in peace. The Neverending Story demands to be blissfully forgotten. And if remembered... to be remembered fondly only in hazy recollections and pop culture throwback humor.